There are times when everything seems to hit all at once. Good, bad, exciting, devastating, enlightening, frustrating and everything else on the spectrum has been coming my way over the last months. Lately, all of the conflicting emotional stuff of life has left me reeling, lacking the words to begin to explain it all, even to God.
Yeah. I know. God needs no explanations. But I do. When I can’t find words for what I’m experiencing, it’s gets harder to pray for what I want and need – because I don’t even know what I want and need. When I shy away from my journal but inexplicably burst into tears driving to the food store, it’s time to stop being too busy to feel the things I can’t (won’t) even take the time to name.
Friday, for the first time in a very long time, I had a day off. I took a box of tissues and my prayer notebook, went to the beach, and wrote God a rather long letter that, after a couple pages, had at least put names to some of what I was feeling. The short version of it all came down this:
God, I feel like I’m caught in a riptide, being sucked out to deep unknown waters and I’m scared.
I closed the book and set it aside, having cried myself out in the process of writing. As I sat there, all the answers I needed came in the form in the simplest question.
Have I ever let you drown?
It’s just that simple.
Am I still caught in a riptide, sucked into deep unknown waters? Yes.
Am I still scared? Also, yes.
But I’ll go wherever this takes me and I will not be left to drown.