Learning Surrender

My eyes have become an issue again.  Well, they’ve been an issue on and off for the past two years but not quite this serious.  Up to now, the answer from the doctor is always the same.  We can treat it with steroids or we can let it run a bit to see if will clear up.  This time, it didn’t clear up. 

I’ve been to the eye doctor two Fridays in a row, only to watch the vision slip from 75% at the first visual field to only 60% on the second one. This time the loss is nearly even in both eyes.  I’ve been back on the steroids since Saturday.  Mercifully, my primary doctor put me on a much lower dose than the eye specialist used when I went through this in 2007.  I have an MRI scheduled for tonight at 9:30 PM.  The weatherman is calling for thunderstorms.  How very Mary Shelley – a brain scan at night in a thunderstorm.  IGOR!!

So what is this?  Optic neuritis.  What’s causing it?  We don’t know yet, thus the MRI.  The most likely culprits are MS, Lupus, or one of a long list inflammatory diseases.  After nearly three years of headaches, vision problems, weird balance issues, even restless leg syndrome, all of which come and go with no apparent pattern, I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. 

Do I pray the MRI comes out clean and I spend another three years with the doctors trying to puzzle out the causes? 

Do I pray that something shows up so the doctors know what we’re dealing with and how to proceed with some kind of treatment?

I ran out of words last Friday when I saw the latest visual fields.  I drove from the eye doctor’s to the beach and sat there too numb to even cry. 

Resignation?  Realization?  Surrender?  Trust? 

Okay Lord.  I can’t deal with this one.  It’s all in Your hands and whatever it is, I will accept it – with more than a little help if that’s not too much to ask of You.

One thought on “Learning Surrender

  1. Peace Christine. May the results lead you in a good direction to get treated well. Feel free to give a buzz if you need to!! May His love envelop you for you a special person carved out by the love of God!!!!!!


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